I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.
This book made me realize that I'm not alone in this world, at all. For almost forever this book keeps me companion, comforted, and help me to face my problems with alcohol. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.
Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.
Life went on - I became a registered nurse, received a masters degree and went out with a great companion. We drank wine on weekends when we were together and at times during the week I would buy a bottle for myself.
Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.
Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.
Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.
Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.
Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.
I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. Series of my drunken journey:
I got hammered really hard at a cocktail party last Christmas.
Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
Fuming messages on my iPhone
I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids
Boxing my husband in the face
A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over
I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.